Journey with My Dog

I saw this coming. I knew one day it will happen that you will be ready to move on, and I will be left behind. I didn't know when and how it would happen, I didn't know how old you would be, I didn't know if it it'd be upon my shoulders to make that decision. I also didn't know how hard it would be for me, Amrita, and the rest of the family. 

Sikhi speaks of moving on, of letting go, of not getting attached, and I wish I had that in me, but the reality is, you are never really ready. It took me several months of preparing myself mentally to be this close to letting you go. I know time heals all, and I am sure you are in a better place already... but you are my first. And firsts are always the hardest and leave the most impression.

So as I cope with your passing, I also want to apologize. I didn't know what to expect out of our relationship. Just like all first relationship, my expectations were too high, my contributions too low. I thought all I had to do was to get you, and then we'd work things out from that point on. I thought my love was enough. We connected, and we shared, but I also feel guilty for not letting you live to your full potential. I feel like I couldn't/didn't train you properly. It wasn't because of lack of trying, but because I didn't know how. And it stunted what you and I could have done together - besides the beautiful memories I have of you, I wish there was more. Somewhere along the journey, life got in the way. Too busy working, too busy with events in life, too busy with whatever - and I lost my bearings. There was a period of time when I did not pay attention to you as much as I could have. I am sorry.

Every time I saw you, you had the same excitement in your eyes. You came and sat next to me, no matter where I was; You sat outside my bathroom as I showered, you would get so excited to see me that you'd shoot out of the front door to greet me, but since you couldn't contain your excitement, so you'd run around and do laps around the backyard. You slept at the foot of my bed till the last day, and you gave me so much joy. Your love was pure - unconditional - limitless - and your affection was warm, and caring. I think it is safe to say that even though I owned you, you owned my heart.

I still remember the day you entered my life - July 3, 2002. Amrita called me and told me about the surprise - I rushed to the airport to pick you up, took you to CT to have you meet with Amrita, and then took you home. You were so scared - after all, you had flown in from Africa. I bathed you, gave you a tour of the house, fed you and gave you your first chew toy (desi style). You fell asleep in my arms... and I fell asleep with you.

We spent many years together - you saw me go through all the stages of my life, and above all, you knew who I would end up with (even before even I knew it). You brought me and my wife together - you played a bigger role than you could ever know in why her and I stayed together. You practically rejected anyone else I brought home, except her. 

You stood guard, majestic as always, whether it was me sitting in the backyard drinking chah, or while my kids played, or while I slept in the basement. I knew you were always there, always ready to protect me and my family. I knew nothing could get past you, and that I could sleep in peace. You knew who was important to me, and went to extreme lengths to protect them. You also knew what I enjoyed, and always either participated in it, or patiently waited for me to be done. You woke up with me, no matter how early or late I slept, and you didn't go to bed until I did. You sat outside Babaji's room, listening to hymns and meditation, enjoying it peacefully and waiting patiently. You LOVED eating parshad - and were caught several times trying to steal it, not only from the table, but also from our hands. 

We celebrated so many events together - Amrita and my birthdays, your birthdays, mom and dad's birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and kids' birthdays. You were such an important member of the family that you even got Sagan when Amrita and I got married, and you were the first one in the family to know that we were having a baby. You accepted and protected my kids the same way you did me, and no matter what my kids did to you, you, being the older and wiser one in the family, never said anything. I remember Ajaivir trying to poke your eye out one day, and all you did was to nudge him away and change the spot where you were sitting. 

You fulfilled one of my oldest desires - for as long as I can remember, I had always wanted a dog. And not just any dog - a big dog. I just didn't know much about the breeds, about the types, so when I someone else in the family with a Rhodesian, I researched further, and my heart was set. Still I didn't know where to get a Rhodesian, and it was still a bit of a dream, until you came along. That dream became a reality when you entered my life. 


In you, I saw a reflection of me. Deeply loving, fiercely protective, loyal to the end, and unconditional and unassuming. From you I learned many life lessons, and I learned about my own self. For many years you were my constant companion, and knew just how to help me get through life. We would sit and without having the need to talk, you gave a sense of comfort. I hope I did the same for you.  

When you got old, barely able to stand and take care of yourself, I knew it would be a matter of a few weeks before I had to make the ultimate decision - probably the hardest decision I have had to make in my life thus far. I wish I could tell you how much I love you, how much you have meant to me, and how you impacted my life in a positive way. I just hope that I was able to do the same for you - that I was able to provide for you, and able to love you the way you loved me. 

Amrita and I drove you on the fateful day, August 25, at 6:30 PM, to the vet, after having done ardaas, and reading Keertan Sohila, asking for your soul to be sent back to this world in human form, so like the rest of us, your soul also has an opportunity to ask for mukti (salvation). I kept your old tired face in my lap for one last time, caressed your wrinkled forehead, and gave you one last hug. We walked together, through the sunset, you turned and looked at the world one last time, and then we stepped into the cold room. I came out with your leash, your collar, and a broken heart. My mind knew it was the right thing, but my heart was screaming. It has taken me several days to even finish this post, and it will take me several weeks if not months to get back to normal.

I will reminisce about our good times and I will remember our adventures; 

I wish you well my friend, and i wish your soul all the good I can offer, and I hope that in this cosmic journey, we meet again. Until then...

Performance Evaluations - An Opportunity, Not a Burden

As a Manager, going through performance evaluation season and having to do your regular job while writing and reviewing evaluations can increase the demand on already limited time availability. Many a managers try to speed through this phase, to 'get it over with', and miss out on a huge opportunity to connect with their employees. This is the time where you are sitting face to face with your employees, and reflecting back on their (and hence your) successes as well as opportunities for growth. Appropriate time must be spent to provide feedback and agree upon a course of action for the future. As a manager, the best thing you can do, the best service you can provide to your team members is to be Objective, Organized, Concrete, Constructive, and Honest.

Being Objective: Take the emotion away.
Your employee rubbed you the wrong way, you have a disliking towards someone, you hold a grudge because they disagree with you - all these need to be objectively analyzed, the emotion squeezed out, so only the 'lessons learned' stay. For example, let's say in a meeting your employee, in front of your peers, contradicts you and you did not like that. Look at that situation objectively - did you bring that employee up to speed with your perspective prior to the meeting? Did you provide reasonable explanation or attempt to table to conversation within the meeting? Did you have an offline conversation with that employee in the past to allow them to voice their disagreement in private rather than in an open forum? If there is a behavioral pattern, has that been discussed prior to doing their review? Is the employee even aware that you have an issue or concern regarding the behavior/demeanor/approach?

Take the emotion out and have an objective conversation with them based on observations, not inference. Outline what the issue is, and propose a gameplan to help improve on the issue.

Being Organized: Arrange your thoughts & feedback in bullet points.
As a manager, delivering reviews can be stressful, but think of the person sitting across from you who is anxious and nervous about what could be in their review. Writing a review is hard - and it should be. It should involve you, as a manager, thinking through and giving credit where credit is due, and providing structured feedback where the person can focus on over the foreseeable future. If all this gets hidden in paragraphs of text where the content is not broken out by topics, you can almost guarantee that as soon as the person walks out of the meeting, so does the information provided on the review. Bullet point everything - it will help you keep your points succinct, and allow your team member to focus on each point and discuss those one at a time.

Concrete-ness: Provide measurable concrete examples for each bullet point in each area.
Don't be vague like 'he worked on several projects and launched them'. Outline the projects they worked on and what made them successful (or not). For example, 'John worked on the website development project, negotiated and documented requirements, and managed the development and release aspects to deliver the project to meet the marketing campaign slated for the month of June, increasing the revenue by 40%'. Specific data points provides the employees with something to reflect upon, and it memorializes the successes (and failures). If someone's error rate is high, instead of saying 'her error rate reported is too high', say 'her average error rate is 25%, which is 10% above the team average; It is recommended that she attend the following training courses to reduce the error rate...'. Metrics are concrete, irrefutable, and provide direction for the employees.

Constructive: Don't be negative.
It is easy to be negative. It is easy to say how someone is bad at something, but what are you, as a manager, doing to help them? Are you mentoring them? If, for example, a PM is frustrated with the Product Manager and it is impeding the success of the project, you can note that observation in the review, but also outline what can be done to resolve the issue. Perhaps a pointer is to articulate that the accountability of the project's success relies on the PM, and that you will sponsor certain classes where the PM can learn the human side of project management. If there is no plan being offered by you to help your employee, they will see the review as an opportunity for you to tell them that they suck. That's not your goal.

Honest: Do not sugar-coat.
Be open and honest. If you sugar coating issues your message will get lost. Be open to discussing the points you outlined in the review, and if you realize you made a mistake in certain metric, be open to changing the review and don't take offense to it. The review should be a vehicle for a dialogue, not a king telling its subjects what they did.

Be the manager your employees deserve - consultative, collaborative, and provide guidance and mentorship without being overbearing. A performance review is an affirmation of the success, and a recap and formalization of areas of improvement and goals for the next review cycle. A review is the best way to communicate your intentions and expectations, so as a manager, take it seriously.

Expectation Setting - Kids

Kids take a lot of patience out of you - they are constantly active , constantly seeking something to do, and when they can't find constructive things to do, they become destructive. We as parents are always trying our darnest best to guide them in the best way possible towards the best and most engaging activities. Yet, most of us have a hard time keeping up and let's be honest, sometimes we have to resort to some tactics that our idealistic alter ego would frown upon, like letting watch TV, or use the phone to play a game or watch a video.

There are days I have thought of removing all the TVs from the house to force everyone to find other things to do - but I fear that at the time when my wife and I need peace and quiet the most, where we would have otherwise used TV as our last resort, we would not get it. Also, I know I will definitely miss the TVs and may resort to spending more time in front of my computer, further isolating myself from the family. We have tried limiting the time we allow our kids to watch tv, but it has had limited success in my opinion because it becomes a constant battle between us, the parents, and the kids. They fight for  "2 more minutes" or "1 more episode".

Recently I discovered an approach that has yielded the most positive results thus far - I started giving more control to my older one. But the control comes with a logical conversation about expectations. 

Before he turns on the TV, we talk through and get comfortable with how long he will watch tv for. We both agree on the length of time for which the tv or the phone will stay on - It could be 'until I am done with your joora (top knot) and dastaar (turban)', or '20 minutes from now when the clock reads 6:45'. We talk through our expectations - he expresses his concern if he thinks the time is too little, or if he can finish the show he starts, and we come to an agreement. These agreements depend on the time of day, the activities following the tv/phone watching, how much of a break we (the parents) need, how cranky the kids are... Among other things. Just this simple conversation has turned a once contentious snatching and abuse of the poor remote control into a constructive conversation about getting to an agreement and sticking to that agreement. It also teaches them how to negotiate - not a bad thing in this aggressive world.

Does he still try to look for wiggle room in the pre-negotiated terms of tv-watching - Yes. Do I want him to always push my limits - yes. 

That's the fun of parenting.

Loyalty in Workplace

Everyone has different motivations at work. You have to define what yours is, and where your loyalties are - and depending on the position, that decision may come sooner rather than later. If you are an analyst (Business Analyst, Project Lead, Project Manager, Systems Analyst, Developer, DBA etc. fall in this category), it is easier to lay low and out of the lime lite. There may be some jockeying, some power plays, but mostly you are protected by the fact that your management is doing enough of that. You may be a casualty of war, but not necessarily the general or even a soldier. This quickly disappears as you start rising through the ranks and enter the middle-tier management, or the senior management roles. Even if you are on the outskirts of a conflict, being in those positions will force you to eventually get roped in - and that's because your word matters. When you say something, people act or react. The power you hold allows you no flexibility but to force-choose a side.

So when you are surrounded by this type of environment, where should your loyalties be? Who should you be "in bed with"? Is it the camp that is portraying itself to be the next successor? Is it the camp that is projecting they have the ultimate upper hand? Is it the camp that seems to have alignment with their superiors? Is it the camp... you get the idea. There are so many damn camps sometimes, that its even hard to choose.

Ultimately, your loyalty should be to your work and to your work ethic. There is no person, no leader, no department and no single entity or being that represents your "work" wholly and solely. Your "work", be it operational, be it BD, or Sales or any other area within the organization is represented by executing on the vision of the company you are with. The vision is abstract, and hence has an entity of its own. The vision can change, and so should your strategy and approach to execute on the newly defined vision. This defines your work ethic.

Sikhs in United States Military - Reaction

Fox News reacted. They don't like anyone messing with their good ol' USA. They got experts, and political strategists, they even have black people now, you know, to show they are diverse. They all got together behind the message of "shouldn't change the military dress code to accept Sikhs", "if they want to serve , follow our code", all the while showing pictures of Taliban and other Muslim terrorists in the background. Wow Fox - Jon Stewart is right - you are the true spin masters, sitting on the bullshit mountain.

If you look back in American history, when "American" meant 'being white', and black people had to struggle to get their rights, struggle to share the same seat on the bus, struggle to enter the military, I am sure there was some other 'fox news' equivalent out there, opposing, digging in their heels, and rallying bigots behind them.

Let's look at their arguments:

1. Beard and mustache hinder usage of gas masks and other equipment.

Really? So Sikhs have been in the military for hundreds of years, without using proper equipment eh? And if it is the case that somehow our military's design was so narrow minded so as not to consider a mustache, wouldn't that be a design flaw?

2. It impacts morale and cohesion.

Oh right - wearing a turban is where we break cohesion 'cause obviously teamwork is defined by shaved faces. All these experts should really take some therapy from team building experts (aka the Military). A unit lives together, goes to battle together, protects each other and lay their lives for each other. That's how cohesion is built. A black person or a Sikh for that matter, is not why cohesion or discipline is broken.

And if you look at the history of Sikhs (you know, use google maybe?), you will see Sikhs have been a military class from the very beginning. Heck, our forefathers were born in the field. No kidding. And there was a Sikh who was part of the U.S. Military during WWI. No no, that's not a mistake - that does say world war 1. His name was Bhagat Singh Thind (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhagat_Singh_Thind). 

In allied forces, thousands of other Sikhs laid their lives and World War II saw even more participation. Here's a link where you can read all about it (http://www.sikhroots.com/sikh-literature/history/3014-sikhs-in-world-war-ii).

Oh and I forgot their last argument - 

3. But we are a bunch of bigoted naysayers unless ofcourse it is a republican move.

Right.

So, feel lucky U.S. army that you are getting warriors who have 'fighting for the righteous' in their blood. Here's a few more stories of Sikh bad-assery -

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/21sikhs.html

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/maibhago.html

Rejoice.

2014: Resolution

It's isn't about doing big things - 'cause only if making resolutions made us do big things, most inventions would have happened in January / February timeframe. It isn't about working out, or eating less or praying more  - 'cause those are lifestyle changes, and if you couldn't do them in November, you certainly aren't going to have a Divine intervention in January (it was less than 2 months ago - really). So, thinking about resolutions, I couldn't come up with something I could truly commit to and strive for. So here's mine: my resolution for 2014, is to get to 2015. That's it. It's that simple. 

If I get through 2014, keep my shit together, spend some acceptable time (acceptable to me, that is) with my family and kids, (oh and see my brother get married), I have delivered 100% on what I set out to do. 

So there it is folks - just commit to get to the next year in this crazy world without losing your shit.

Happy New Year!